Breaking Free From People Pleasing: A Guide to Putting Yourself First
Do You Say “Yes” When You Really Mean “No”?
If you’re someone who always tries to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or make everyone else happy—even when it
leaves you stressed or drained—you’re not alone. People-pleasing is incredibly common, especially for folks who
struggle with anxiety.
On the outside, you might look like the dependable one. The “nice” one. The one who always shows up.
But inside? You might feel burned out, anxious, or resentful—and maybe even a little lost.
What Is People-Pleasing, Really?
People-pleasing is when you prioritize other people’s needs, wants, or feelings over your own—over and over again.
It might look like:
- Saying “yes” when you really want to say “no”
- Over-apologizing
- Avoiding conflict at all costs
- Feeling guilty for taking time for yourself
- Worrying constantly about what others think of you
It often comes from a good place. You want to be kind. You want to be liked. You don’t want to upset anyone. But
when your own needs keep getting shoved to the back of the line, it starts to take a toll—especially on your mental
health
The Link Between People-Pleasing and Anxiety
Here’s the thing: people-pleasing isn’t just a habit. It’s often a survival strategy. If you grew up in a home where
conflict felt scary, or if your self-worth got wrapped up in being “the good one,” your nervous system may have
learned that staying small and agreeable = staying safe.
But constantly scanning for how to make others happy is exhausting. It keeps you in a loop of anxiety—where you’re
always trying to manage other people’s feelings instead of your own.
And that anxious feeling? It’s not just in your head. It shows up in your body, too—tight shoulders, racing thoughts, a
pit in your stomach, trouble sleeping.
So… How Do You Stop People-Pleasing?
First, know this: people-pleasing isn’t a flaw. It’s something you learned—and anything learned can be unlearned.
Here are a few small steps that can help:
1. Pause Before You Say Yes
If your go-to answer is “sure, no problem,” try pausing. Give yourself permission to say, “Let me think about that,” or
“Can I get back to you?”
2. Check in With Your Body
Your body knows when something feels off. Do you feel tense? Tired? Dread? That’s valuable information. You don’t
need a “good enough” reason to say no—not wanting to is reason enough.
3. Start With Low-Stakes No’s
Practice setting boundaries in small ways. Maybe it’s skipping a group chat for a night. Maybe it’s ordering the
takeout you actually want. These little wins build confidence over time.
4. Talk About It in Therapy
You don’t have to untangle this stuff alone. Therapy can help you understand where your people-pleasing patterns
came from—and more importantly, how to set boundaries without the crushing guilt.
Therapy for People-Pleasing and Anxiety in Chicago
If you’re tired of putting yourself last or living with a constant undercurrent of anxiety, therapy can help. I work with
people in Chicago (and online) who are ready to break free from people-pleasing and start showing up for
themselves—with more confidence, calm, and clarity.
You deserve relationships where you don’t have to perform. You deserve rest. You deserve to feel like you again.
Ready to stop people-pleasing and start feeling better? Book a free consultation
